My friend asked me today: “Have you given up on your blog?” No, I said. I just don’t know what to write. But she touched upon a need to write. I’ve been thinking for some days about making a post in honour of my birthday, and she gave me the last little push.
My life has changed so much since my last birthday. It was only a few months later that I hit my head and went into this limbo of not being useful at all. I’ve always been the type of person who makes a plan and then sticks to it, so I was pretty sure that the world would come crashing down around me. Now – almost a year later – the world is still spinning. Instead I came crashing down.
When my plans went down the drain, I suddenly got around to spending a lot of time with myself. In the beginning, it was fun – it was like a holiday! But as the days went by, I tried my best to escape myself; losing myself in books, games, and the internet. I didn’t want to face myself, because my entire facade had cracked and was threatening to fall apart. So I hid even more, playing hours and hours of World of Warcraft every day to not face myself in the mirror. I was useless, my plans were failing, and my world looked so wrong. My nail polishes started collecting dust, and my beloved dolls stayed in their cupboard.
Finally, I got some help from a therapist. It didn’t take long for her to force me to look into a mirror – although a metaphorical one. And she asked me how much of that cracked facade was actually me, and how much was other people’s expectations and even my own attempts to force myself into a box I just didn’t fit into? And slowly, that cracked facade crashed down, and nothing was left.
I had to figure out who I was. If you already know yourself, I envy you. Because it sure as heck isn’t easy to be 25
(although, if you wish to congratulate me on my birthday, pretend I’m 21. I hate my age!) and look hard into yourself and figure out who you are. However, I started with the easy questions: What do you like? And the first answer was always, without hesitation: Dolls. I like my dolls. They’re my creative outlet. I like to photograph and think about my dolls more than I like anything else – even more than being online! That being said, I’m getting slowly back into things. I’m checking Tumblr again. I’m reading doll blogs. I’m looking at pretty pictures on Flickr. I’m dreaming of new dolls. But I can feel that reaching in and grabbing a doll isn’t far away. I just don’t want to push myself. I’ll get there, I don’t doubt it for a moment.
With my return to the dolls came also my return to my doll friends. The way they greeted me warmly, expressing that they had missed me, made me realise something else: They’re not doll friends. They’re my friends. Plain and simple. We started out blabbing about dolls, but now it’s a safe place to share happiness and fears. To tell that you might consider starting up your education again, and hear your friends be super-proud of you (some of us might have teared up a bit). To tell that life is overwhelming, lash out, and be forgiven – we know how hard life can be sometimes, and we love you, even if we don’t tell you directly. To share fears about possibly pursuing a career as photographer and be told that it’s an actual option for you. To gush about that new doll that you just need (hey, we’re still doll collectors!).
I apologise for the lengthiness of my post, but I applaud you if you got through it! I hope to hear a little something from you out there, whether it’s your own story of finding yourself, a hope to find yourself, or just the doll you really want next time!